Perfectionism: Why “Being Perfect” Is Making You Anxious
Perfectionism: Why “Being Perfect” Is Making You Anxious sounds like a helpful life motto. Many people believe perfectionism means high standards, strong motivation, and impressive results. But perfectionism is usually less about healthy striving and more about fear, shame, and never feeling “good enough.”
Perfectionism: Why “Being Perfect” Is Making You Anxious in Everyday Life
Perfectionism: Why “Being Perfect” Is Making You Anxious shows up in subtle, exhausting ways. You might rewrite emails repeatedly or avoid starting projects unless conditions feel ideal. You may procrastinate, not because you are lazy, but because doing it “wrong” feels unbearable. The perfectionistic bar is always moving higher, just out of reach. No matter what you achieve, your mind quickly shifts to what still is not good enough. That constant pressure creates chronic stress. Over time, it often turns into anxiety, irritability, resentment, or burnout.
Perfectionism also shapes how you see other people and situations. You may expect loved ones, colleagues, or children to meet invisible standards. When they do not, you feel disappointed, angry, or out of control. Relationships can start to feel tense because nothing ever feels quite right.
How Perfectionism Pulls You Out of the Present Moment
Perfectionism keeps you living in your head, not in your life. Your mind jumps to the past, replaying mistakes and perceived failures. It also races into the future, imagining criticism, embarrassment, or worst-case scenarios. This mental time travel means you are rarely in the present moment. You may miss small joys, like your child’s expression, the taste of your coffee, or the warmth of sunlight. True living happens in the present, yet perfectionism constantly pulls you away from it. When you are stuck in perfectionism, you experience the world through expectations, not reality. You measure experiences against how they “should” be. There is very little space for curiosity, flexibility, or surprise.
Mindfulness as an Antidote to Perfectionism
One powerful way to soften perfectionism is by gently returning to your body and senses. Your body can only live in the present moment. Unlike your mind, it cannot jump backward or forward in time. Mindfulness uses this truth to bring you out of rigid expectations and back into reality. You do not need a long meditation practice to begin. You can start with small, sensory check-ins during your day:
Notice your surroundings, including the color of ordinary things near you.
Let natural light give you a sense of time passing, instead of checking the clock.
Ask yourself, “What is the temperature of the room or air on my skin?”
Pause and listen: What sounds can you hear, close and far away?
Become aware of any taste in your mouth, maybe from coffee, water, or a snack.
As you scan your senses, take a slow, mindful breath. Allow your outbreath to be slightly longer than your inbreath. This signals safety to your nervous system and gently lowers anxiety. Over time, these small moments build a new habit. Instead of obsessing over how things “should” be, you start noticing how they actually are.
Letting Expectations Drop, Even Just a Little
When you come back to your senses, perfectionistic expectations often soften. You may realize the email does not need to be flawless to be kind and clear. The house does not need to look perfect for friends to feel welcomed. Your parenting does not need to be ideal to be loving and good enough. Dropping perfectionism, even slightly, makes room for self-compassion. You begin to see that you are a human being, not a project to fix. You can have high hopes and intentions without attacking yourself when life is messy. This shift also impacts the people around you. When your expectations relax, you become easier to be with. Loved ones may feel less judged and more accepted. Relationships become more spacious, playful, and real.
Healing the Roots of Perfectionism in Therapy
Perfectionism rarely starts in adulthood. It often grows from early experiences of criticism, emotional neglect, or unsafe connections. You may have learned that love had to be earned through achievement, compliance, or emotional invisibility. Therapy can help you understand where your perfectionism began and how it has protected you. Approaches like EMDR and Brainspotting work directly with the nervous system and stored emotional memories. They can help process trauma, grief, and early attachment wounds that keep perfectionistic patterns in place. As those deeper layers heal, perfectionism becomes less necessary as a survival strategy. You can move toward peace, clarity, and a sense of purpose that is not tied to performance.
Moving Toward Peace, Clarity, and Purpose
You deserve a life that is not ruled by perfectionism. You deserve inner calm, fulfilling relationships, and the freedom to be fully yourself, mistakes and all. Changing these patterns takes time, patience, and support, but you do not have to do it alone.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns and feel ready for deeper healing, Therapy by Catherine can help. Catherine Adams, LMFT, offers EMDR, Brainspotting, and trauma-informed therapy for grief, early attachment repair, and ancestral healing in California. With Therapy by Catherine, you can begin releasing perfectionism, reconnecting with your true self, and writing a new story grounded in peace, clarity, and purpose. To start a conversation with Catherine today, contact her HERE!
