Understanding Attachment: How Early Bonds Shape Our Emotional Lives

Attachment is at the heart of how we experience connection. It influences the way we trust others, how we form relationships, and how safe we feel in the world. At its core, attachment style refers to the internal blueprint we develop in childhood for navigating closeness, safety, and emotional regulation. If you had a caregiver who was emotionally attuned, consistently present, and responsive to your needs, chances are you developed a secure attachment style. This means your brain and nervous system were given the building blocks to self-regulate, manage emotions effectively, and form stable relationships. But for many, the story is more complicated. Caregivers are human, and sometimes their own struggles, such as trauma, addiction, financial instability, mental illness, or overwhelming life circumstances interfere with their ability to consistently meet a child’s emotional and physical needs. When that happens, the result is often an insecure attachment style.

The Roots of Attachment Theory

The foundation of attachment theory began with psychologist John Bowlby, who believed that the earliest bonds formed between caregiver and child have a profound impact on psychological development. Later, Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work with her “Strange Situation” experiment, which identified different patterns of attachment behavior in infants based on how they responded to separation and reunion with their caregiver.

From this research emerged four commonly recognized attachment styles:

• Secure

• Insecure-Anxious

• Insecure-Avoidant

• Disorganized

Each of these styles shapes how a person navigates relationships, especially under stress.

Secure vs. Insecure Attachment

People with secure attachment tend to be emotionally stable and capable of working through problems with relative ease. They trust themselves and others, communicate openly, and handle challenges in relationships without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. This is because their nervous system learned, through consistent caregiving, how to regulate emotions. On the other hand, those with insecure attachment often experience the world differently. If childhood needs weren’t reliably met, the brain develops alternate coping mechanisms. Often ones that create distress in adult relationships. These individuals may swing from intense emotional highs to painful lows. They may fear abandonment, become emotionally distant, or oscillate between both extremes. In clinical practice, these signs of emotional dysregulation often stem from a nervous system that didn’t develop the necessary neural architecture for self-regulation. That’s not a flaw, it’s an adaptation to early environments that lacked stability, love, or safety.

Drama, Numbness, and the Legacy of Insecure Bonds

When we grow up in an emotionally volatile or unsafe household, our nervous system becomes wired for survival, not connection. This often shows up in adulthood as dramatic behavior, emotional outbursts, or what some call “black-and-white” thinking. Believing something is either all good or all bad with no in-between. These tendencies can create significant challenges in relationships. While intense emotional expression may serve as a cry for connection, it can also push others away, perpetuating the cycle of loneliness and instability. Alternatively, some people cope by shutting down completely. This emotional numbing is often seen in those with disorganized attachment, who may have grown up with confusing or frightening caregivers. Instead of acting out, they turn inward—becoming detached, distant, or even anti-social. These individuals aren’t indifferent, they're wounded. Many trauma experts consider this kind of early attachment disruption to be “small t trauma”, not because it’s minor, but because it doesn’t always involve a single, overtly violent event. Instead, it’s the chronic, ongoing experience of emotional neglect or inconsistency. As Shirley Jean Schmidt, founder of DNMS therapy, has emphasized, these early wounds are just as impactful as what’s typically labeled as “big T trauma.”

The Science of Self-Regulation

One of the most fascinating discoveries in neuroscience is that humans are born with curiosity and the capacity to connect and love, but not to self-regulate. Our brains, especially the parts responsible for emotional regulation, are still developing after birth. This means we need a calm, present, and emotionally available caregiver to co-regulate with us. Over time, this helps build our nervous system’s ability to manage stress and emotions independently. Psychologist Allan Schore describes this as the development of the neural architecture for regulation. When that development is interrupted or inconsistent, the effects can echo throughout a lifetime. But here’s the hopeful part: attachment wounds can be healed.

Healing Attachment Wounds

Healing from attachment trauma involves more than insight, it requires experiential change. It’s not enough to understand where the wound came from; we must experience safe, regulated relationships in the present to retrain our nervous system. Therapeutic methods like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Brainspotting, and other trauma-informed approaches can help rewire the brain. Through consistent, compassionate therapeutic relationships, we can re-learn how to feel safe, connected, and emotionally grounded. Repairing attachment isn’t about blaming caregivers, it’s about understanding what was missing, and giving yourself permission to receive what you didn’t get the first time around.

Heal Your Attachment Wounds with Therapy by Catherine

At Therapy by Catherine, you’ll find a safe space to explore your early attachment patterns and how they’re still influencing your present. Catherine Adams, LMFT specializes in early attachment repair, trauma, grief, and ancestral healing, using transformative methods like EMDR and Brainspotting. Her practice is grounded in warmth, empathy, and a belief in your ability to change your story. Whether you're struggling with anxiety, emotional reactivity, or feeling numb and disconnected, Catherine offers therapy designed to help you reclaim peace, clarity, and purpose. Located in California, she provides a healing space for clients ready to move beyond pain and toward deep emotional freedom. You don’t have to live in the shadows of your past. With the right support, you can build the emotional foundation you may have missed and finally become the person you were always meant to be. Click HERE to get in contact with Catherine today!